Political Stuff...

Kerry v Bush 2004

• "John Kerry fell off of his bicycle over the weekend. He went for a Sunday afternoon ride, fell off right in front of the news media. Luckily, his hair broke the fall. Thankfully, Senator Kerry was not seriously injured. In fact, when the police arrived, Kerry felt well enough to give the officers conflicting reports about what happened." - Jay Leno

• "John Kerry says that he wants to debate President Bush once a month until the election. This could be a risky move for Senator Kerry. If Bush doesn't show up for the debates, John Kerry may end up debating an empty chair. And that could be pretty much a toss up as to which one has the better personality." - Jay Leno

• "Kerry was here in Los Angeles, courting the Hispanic vote by speaking some Spanish. And he showed people he could be boring in two languages." - Jay Leno

• "John Kerry met with Ralph Nader last week. Both sides of every issue were discussed. And then Nader spoke." - Jay Leno

• "'Shrek 2' made over $120 million during its first week. In a related story, John Kerry asked Shrek to marry him." - Conan O'Brien

• "There was a really embarrassing moment at a recent Democratic fundraiser. When John Kerry was handed a $10 million dollar check, he said, 'I do.'" - Craig Kilborn

• "Lot of people wondering if John Kerry supports gay marriages. Here's a hint...he gets $1,000 haircuts." - Craig Kilborn

• "Courtney Love said she once escorted Kerry to a concert. John Kerry once went out with Courtney Love, and he's questioning Bush's judgment?!?" - Jay Leno

• "Today, John Kerry announced a fool-proof plan to wipe out the $500B deficit. John Kerry has a plan, he's going to put it on his wife's Gold Card." - Jay Leno

• "They say John Kerry is the first Democratic presidential candidate in history to raise $50 million in a three-month period. Actually, that's nothing. He once raised $500 million with two words: I do." - Jay Leno

• "John Kerry accused President Bush of catering to the rich. You know, as opposed to John Kerry who just marries them." - Jay Leno

• "John Kerry will undergo surgery to repair his right shoulder. He originally hurt it when he suddenly switched positions on Iraq." - Jay Leno

• "We make jokes about it but the truth is this presidential election really offers us a choice of two well-informed opposing positions on every issue. OK, they both belong to John Kerry, but they're still there." - Jay Leno

• "The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for John Kerry. You can understand why - with two positions on every issue, he has twice as many people mad at him." - Jay Leno

• "President Bush listed his income as $822,000. You know what John Kerry calls someone who earns $822,000? Not even worth dating." - Jay Leno

• "John Kerry just created a new 'Misery Index,' he calls it the 'Middle Class Misery Index.' He created this calculation himself. Then he announced that the new Index is at its highest level ever. Well, I guess it is! He just created it yesterday. Of COURSE it's at its highest level ever!" - Jay Leno

• "In his speech last night, John Kerry said this was the beginning of the end of the Bush administration. I agree. Sure, it will probably take another five years, but this is it." - Jay Leno

• "The big winner on Super Tuesday was Senator John Kerry. He won 39 percent of the vote, which is pretty good, and begs the question, why the long face?" - Jay Leno

• "A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is an ultra-liberal, ultra-wealthy white man who lives far, far away." - Dennis Miller

• "In his big victory speech last night, Senator Kerry said that he wanted to defeat George Bush and the 'economy of privilege.' Then he hugged his wife, Teresa, heir to the multi-million dollar Heinz food fortune." - Jay Leno

• "They had a profile of John Kerry on the news and they said his FIRST WIFE was worth around $300 million and his SECOND WIFE, his current wife, is worth around $700 million. His intern (with whom he supposedly had an affair) was worth several more million. So when John Kerry says he's going after the wealthy in this country, he's not just talking. He's doing it!" - Jay Leno

• "John Kerry said today that he wants to get rid of tax cuts for the rich and his wife said, 'Hey, shut up! What's the matter with you?! Are you nuts?!'" - Jay Leno

• "The Democrats are all over this. Democratic strategists feel John Kerry's war record means he can beat Bush. They say when it comes down to it voters will always vote for a war hero over someone who tried to get out of the war. I'll be sure to mention that to Bob Dole when I see him." - Jay Leno

• "The head of the AFL-CIO endorsed John Kerry, saying, 'The time has come to come behind one man, one leader, one candidate.' Then he said, 'And until we find that man, we will have to endorse John Kerry.'" - Conan O'Brien

• "Over the weekend, John Kerry - the big John Kerry juggernaut moves on - he won primaries in Washington D.C., Nevada and, I think, Canada. And he's so confident that he's started nailing that intern again." - David Letterman

• "An Internet report claims that John Kerry had an affair with a young woman, but that she still loves him and will deny it. When asked if this was similar to the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal, a spokesman said 'Close, but no cigar.'" - Jimmy Fallon

• "According to a new study, Botox injections can help back pain. So you see, that's why John Kerry had all that Botox - his back was killing him from all that flip-flopping on issues." - Jay Leno

• "Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton." - David Letterman

• "Kerry has already begun his search for a running mate. They say that because John Edwards still has $50 million in campaign money, Kerry might pick him. Pick him? Hey, for $50 million, Kerry will change his position on gay marriage and marry him." - Jay Leno

• "John Kerry will be the Democratic nominee for president. Democrats finally found someone who is Al Gore without the flash and the sizzle." - Craig Kilborn

• "I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal." - David Letterman

• "John Kerry has promised to take this country back from the wealthy. Who better than the guy worth $700 million to take the country back? See, he knows how the wealthy think. He can spy on them at his country club, at his place in Palm Beach, at his house in the Hamptons. He's like a mole for the working man." - Jay Leno

• "The White House begun airing their TV commercials to re-elect the president, and the John Kerry campaign is condemning his use of 9/11 in the ads. He said, it is unconscionable to use the tragic memory of a war in order to get elected, unless of course, it's the Vietnam War." - Jay Leno