the diaTribe :: Professional Idiots

Stupidity Sightings (Pro Edition)

	The following Stupidity Sightings are so bizarre that we had to make an editorial decision. We felt that it would be unfair to list these sightings with the other, more pedestrian ones - these idiots are in a class by themselves. So...
Welcome to the diaTribe Professional Edition

A man walked into a San Francisco bank and wrote, "This iz a stikkup. Put all your muny
in this bag." While waiting in line to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that
someone had seen him write the note. So he left the bank and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.
He handed his note to the teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was
not the brightest light in the harbour, told him she could not accept a stick up note written on a
Bank of America deposit slip.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called
the police who arrested the man as he was waiting in line at the bank.

Two Kentucky men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine
to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they
pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still
attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license
plate still attached to the bumper.

The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti,
Michigan at 12:50am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because
he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion
rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The
clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the
snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and
drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive
ID. To which he replied, "Yes Officer, that's her...That's the lady I stole the purse from."

A guy in Arkansas wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block
through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved
it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the
head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole
event was caught on video tape.

A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When
the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register,
which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20
bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.

A man successfully broke into a Tennessee bank after hours and stole the bank's video camera,
while the camera was remotely recording. ( That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere
in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera ).

A Mr. R.C. G., 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer
equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the
officers asked him for a piece of identification. R.C. gave them his driver's license, they entered
it into the computer, and moments later they arrested R.C. because information on the screen
showed R.C. was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.

Dennis N. was on trial for the armed robbery of an Oklahoma City convenience store in a district
court this week when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Dennis, 47,
was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Dennis was the
robber. Dennis jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I shoulda blown your
[expletive-deleted] head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, " - if I'd been the one
that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Dennis and recommended a 30 year
sentence.

Clever drug traffickers used a propane tanker truck entering El Paso from Mexico. They rigged
it so propane gas would be released from all of its valves while the truck concealed 6,240 pounds
of marijuana. They were clever, but not bright. They misspelled the name of the gas company on
the side of the truck.

Drug possession defendant Christopher J., on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had
been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because
a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who
happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could
see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required
a five minute recess to compose himself.

33-year-old David P. was arrested recently in Providence, Rhode Island, after allegedly knocking
out an armored car driver and stealing the closest four bags of money. It turned out they contained
$800 in PENNIES, weighed 30 pounds each, and slowed him to a stagger during his getaway so
that police officers easily jumped him from behind.

45-year-old Amy B. was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a mechanic reported to police
that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she
had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police, Amy later said that she
didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.

A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in
it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that
he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet,
and the thief was arrested.

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle
street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an
ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said
that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor
home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges,
saying it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

In March, a federal judge in Syracuse, NY, rejected the latest lawsuit by Donald
Drusky of East McKeesport, PA, in his 30-year battle against USX Corp. for ruining
his life by firing him in 1968. Drusky had sued 'God...the sovereign ruler of the universe'
for taking 'no corrective action' against Drusky's enemies and demanded that God
compensate him with professional guitar-playing skills and the resurrection of his
mother (in that order, I presume). Drusky argued that under the federal rules of
civil procedure, he would win a default judgment if God failed to show up in court.

Hey! Yeah, you! Anything you want to add?

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