Stupidity Sightings

Dumb Quotes

From a Facebook listing...
  Single Mons of 2 great boys!

From an NBC weatherhuman...
  Snowfall will be anywhere from 6 inches to half a foot...

2008 Olympic Coverage
  Julian Dicks is everywhere! It's like they've got 11 Dicks on the field.

2008 Olympic Coverage
  Aw, isn't that nice. The wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.

2008 Olympic Coverage
  He dribbles a lot, and you can see it all over the opposition's faces.

2008 Olympic Coverage
  If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.

2008 Olympic Coverage
  Sure, there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.

2008 Olympic Contestant
  I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.

2008 Olympic Coverage
  This is really a lovely horse, and I speak from personal experience, as I once mounted her mother.

2008 Olympic Coverage
  This is Gergoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing.

From Fox News...
  And there he is, shown in a less than compromising position.

Al Gore...
  It wasn't a fund-raiser, it was an event to raise funds.

Al Gore...
  Men and women were entirely and completely equal - if not more so.

Al Gore...
  A zebra cannot change its spots.

Janet Reno...
  I always wait until a jury has spoken before I anticipate what they will do.

Barbara Boxer...
  But, of course, those who died, their lives will never be the same again.

Bill Clinton...
  They've managed to keep their unemployment low although their overall unemployment is high.

Bill Clinton...
  This is stil the greatest country in the world, if we just will steel our wills and lose our minds.

From an anonymous manager...
  Okay, just to give all of you a little backdrop.

From a South Carolina newspaper...
  Our state senator has requested State Legislatures from coastal counties to form a carcass to address important issues.

From Fox News...
  And there she was, in rare form, as always.

From Fox News...
  They're hitching their wagon to a sinking ship.

From Fox News...
  She felt like a pawn surrounded by puppeteers.

From an anonymous manager...
  We're going to have to watch that with a fine-tooth comb.

From an anonymous manager...
  I am sick and tired of the lack of disrespect towards me!

From an anonymous manager...
  It's only when this business comes into the foreplay that we should be concerned.

From an anonymous manager...
  That's what really separates the wheat from the sheep.

From an anonymous manager...
  We need to find a solution, even if it isn't the right one.

From an anonymous manager...
  If we do that, we're going to open up a whole new wormhole.

From an anonymous manager...
  Are you going to call the whole kettle black because of one bad potato?

From an anonymous manager...
  This thing is about to grow legs and take off...

From an anonymous manager...
  You have to keep all your marbles in the same duck...

Ted Williams, former DC detective...
  There's a connexus between a and b, number one...

Ted Williams, former DC detective...
  So what I gleam out of this is...

Ted Williams, former DC detective...
  The sniper may be a disgrumbled employee...

Ted Williams, former DC detective...
  The police are taking every precautious...

Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman...
  If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record.

Dan Quayle...
  The loss of life will be irreplaceable.

Al Gore...
  We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur.

Bill Clinton...
  If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.

Colonel Gerald Wellman...
  We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.

Oliver North...
  I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version.

Lee Iacocca...
  We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?

George H.W. Bush...
  It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another.

Ernest Bevin, former British foreign minister...
  If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet.

Al Gore...
  It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.

Danny Ozark, Philadelphia Phillies manager...
  Half this game is ninety percent mental.

John Wayne...
  I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves.

From a medical testimonial...
  Ten years ago, I would not be sitting here today...

From a golf commentator...
  One of the reasons Arnie is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them...Oh my God, what have I just said?

David Coleman...
  There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class.

Harry Carpenter...
  Ah, isn't that nice...the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew.

Ron Atkinson...
  He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all over their faces.

Terry Venables...
  If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again...

Alan Minter...
  Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious.

Greg Norman...
  I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.

Murray Walker...
  The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical.

Commentator Ted Walsh...
  This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.

Commentator Pat Glenn...
  This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria...I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing.

George W. Bush...
  You teach a child to read, and then he or her can pass a literacy test...

George W. Bush...
  They misunderestimated me...

George W. Bush...
  I know how hard it is to keep food on the children...

A perennial favourite of the diaTribe staff...
  So! Working hard or hardly working?

Overheard in a video store in Charleston, South Carolina...
  How much is your free membership?

Overheard in a video store in Charleston, South Carolina...
  I'm like so un-into it and stuff.

From a McDonald's employee, when taking an order for french fries...
  Would you like fries with that?

From kids in school...
  The future of 'I give' is 'I take.'

From kids in school...
  You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.

From kids in school...
  A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.

An excuse for missing school...
  Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

Charlie Lau, former baseball catcher...
  There are two ways to catch a knuckleball. Unfortunately, neither of them works.

Winston Bennett, UK basketball forward...
  I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.

Tom Brokaw...
  A lot of people may be upset...and they're not alone.

Bryant Gumbel...
  Millions of people will be watching, in all languages.

Bill Clinton...
  The chart you had was very moving.

Dan Quayle...
  The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history...this century's history...we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century.

Dan Quayle...
  It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

Dan Quayle...
  I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with these people.

Dan Quayle...
  I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.

Dan Quayle...
  Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is a state that is by itself. It is different from the other states. Well, all states are different, but it's got a particularly unique situation.

Dan Quayle...
  My fellow astronauts...

Dizzy Dean...
  The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.

Philip Streifer, Supt. of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island...
  After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post.

Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank...
  I've always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly underpolluted.

Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia...
  The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe.

Brooke Shields...
  Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.

David Dinkins, former NYC Mayor...
  I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.

Matt Lauer, NBC's Today show...
  Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana...the researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are.

From Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest...
  Question : If you could live forever, would you and why?  Answer : I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.

Mariah Carey...
  Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.

Marion Barry...
  I am a great mayor; I am an unstanding Christian man; I am an intelligent man; I am a deeply educated man; I am a humble man.

Marion Barry...
  Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.

Marion Barry...
  People blame me because these water mains break, but I ask you: if the water mains didn't break, would it be my responsibility to fix them?

Marion Barry...
  The brave men who died in Vietnam, more than 100% of which were black, were the ultimate sacrifice.

Marion Barry...
  People have criticized me because my security detail is larger than the President's. But you must ask yourself: are there more people who want to kill me than who want to kill the President? I can assure you there are.

Marion Barry...
  I am making this trip to Africa because Washington is an international city, just like Tokyo, Nigeria or Israel.

Marion Barry...
  The laws in this city are clearly racist. All laws are racist. The law of gravity is racist.

Marion Barry...
  I am clearly more popular than Reagan. I am in my third term. Where's Reagan? Gone after two!

Marion Barry...
  Bitch set me up.

Marion Barry...
  First, it was not a strip bar; it was an exotic club. And second, what can I say? I'm a night owl.

Marion Barry...
  I promise you a police car on every sidewalk.

Marion Barry...
  The contagious people of Washington have stood firm against diversity during this long period of increment weather.

Marion Barry...
  My management style is to allow free and unlimited debate, to a point.

Gerald Ford...
  If Lincoln were alive today, he'd roll over in his grave.

Thomas E. Dewey, 1948 Presidential candidate...
  America's future is still ahead of us.

Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid...
  Beginning in February 1976, your assistance benefits will be discontinued...Reason: it has been reported to our office that you expired on January 1, 1976.

In a Los Angeles dance hall...
  Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.

During a phone conversation with an office receptionist...
  Mr. Bendahl is on vacation. Would you like to hold?

In a Florida maternity ward...
  No children allowed.

Metro Radio Sports Commentary...
  Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.

Presenter, BBC, Radio 3...
  Beethoven, Kurtag, Charles Ives, Debussy - four very different names.

Jimmy Hill, BBC...
  If England are going to win this match, they're going to have to score a goal.

John Sleightholme, BBC1...
  As Phil De Glanville said, each game is unique, and this one is no different to any other.

Jon Snow, Channel 4 News...
  In a sense, Deng Xiaoping's death was inevitable, wasn't it?

Everett Dirksen, former Congressional leader...
  A billion here, a billion there, and pretty soon you're talking about serious money.

From an unnamed Texas congressional candidate...
  That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it.

Charles de Gaulle, former French President...
  China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.

Calvin Coolidge, former President...
  When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.

Jason Kidd, on being drafted to the Dallas Mavericks...
  We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

Boston Mayor Menino, on city parking...
  It's like an Alcatraz around my neck.

Andrew Mathis...
  It's bad luck to be superstitious.

Bob Dole...
  The Internet is a great way to get on the Net.

Keppel Enderbery, former Australian cabinet minister...
  Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas.

Mayor Daley, former Chicago Mayor...
  The police are not here to create disorder. They're here to preserve disorder.

Hillary Clinton...
  I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the President.

George Stephanopolous, former Clinton aide...
  The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

Wolf Blitzer (CNN), covering Bill Clinton and family exiting a plane...
  Let's look at this videotape of the President getting off with the dog 'Buddy.'

CNN Website - same day...
  George Wallace is dead.  George Wallace's condition is improving

Albert Hall, onetime Asst. Sec. of Defense...
  Well, you know how it is: Nobody's human.

Gerald Ford...
  Things are more like they are now than they have ever been.

Coach Frank Smith...
  I have nothing to say, and I'm only going to say it once!

Dennis Hopper...
  After the eighties, the nineties will make the fifties look like the sixties.

George Romney, former Governor...
  I didn't say that I didn't say it. I said that I didn't say that I said it. I want to make that very clear.

During a radio discussion of the death penalty...
  ...[she] will be the first woman to die in Texas since the Civil War...

Gwen Ifill, Today Show...
  We were going to have this great debate about race, but it just paled away.

Jessie Jackson...
  It's like changing the rules of the game in the middle of the stream.

  Hey! Yeah, you! Anything you want to add?