Stupidity Sightings

Dumb Courtroom Comments

Q: You are charged with hitting a cow. What warning was given by you?
A: Horn
Q: What warning was given by the other party?
A: Moo

A: I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

A: An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

A: To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian.

A: I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

A: I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

A: In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

A: A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

A: A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

A: I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

A: The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.

A: The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again.

A: Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo.

A: First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car.

A: I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk.

A: I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight.

A: I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control.

A: I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard.

A: I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realized the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket.

A: I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
A: Four times.

Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A: I refuse to answer that question.
Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A: I refuse to answer that question.
Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A: No.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

A: The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

A: My car was legally parked as I backed into the other vehicle.

A: I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

Q: So you were gone until you returned?

Q: Were you alone or by yourself?

Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

  Hey! Yeah, you! Anything you want to add?