Stupidity Sightings

Dumb Resumes

I am a hard driven individual that brings challenges to every opportunity.

Revenue peeked to more than $3 Million annually.

Worked with major corporation to deploy web presence for customers to gain access this new technology.

He has an excellent working, and hands-on knowledge...

Salary: I'll need $30K to start, full medical, three weeks vacation, stock options and ideally a European sedan.

Salary: My salary requirement is $34 per year.

Salary: My compensation should be at least equal to my age.

Salary: I need just enough money to have pizza every night.

Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.

I am sicking and entry-level position.

It's best for employers that I not work with people.

Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume.

Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!

Work History: Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math.

Work History: Frequent Lecturer - Largest Audience: 1,351. Standing Ovations: 5. Number of Audience Questions: 30.

Work History: Extensive background in public accounting. I can also stand on my head!

Work History: Performed brain wave tests, 1879-1981.

Personal Goal: To hand-build a classic cottage from the ground up using my father-in-law.

Personal Qualities: Outstanding worker; flexible 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year.

Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable.

My experience in horticulture is well-rooted.

I am the king of accounts payable reconciliation.

I am a pit bull when it comes to analysis.

Reason for leaving last job: Bounty hunting was outlaw in my state.

Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word 'paranoia.' I prefer to elaborate privately.

Work history: Bum. Abandoned belongings and led nomadic lifestyle.

Reason for leaving last job: Self-employed--a fiasco.

Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job.

Objective: 10-year goal: Total obliteration of sales and federal income taxes and tax laws.

I love dancing and throwing parties.

Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years.

Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse.

Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business.

My ruthlessness terrorized the competition and can sometimes offend.

I eat computers for lunch.

My contributions on product launches were based on dreams that I had.

Special skills: I am quick at typing, about 25 words per minute.

Special skills: I've got a Ph.D. in human feelings.

Special skills: Experienced with numerous office machines and can make great lattes.

Special skills: Thyping.

Education: College, August 1880 - May 1984.

Education: B.A. in Loberal Arts.

Graduated in the top 66% of my class.

I have a bachelorette degree in computers.

Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school.

I can play well with others.

Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis.

Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.

I am a rabid typist.

I have used lots of software appilcations.

Served as assistant sore manager.

I worked as a Corporate Lesion.

I am very detail-oreinted.

References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me.

Finished eighth in my class of ten.

The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.

Marital status: often. Children: various.

Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job.

Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.

Personal Interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.

I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.

My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.

I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.

I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience.

Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.

  Hey! Yeah, you! Anything you want to add?