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Lexicon For A New Age
| ADMINISPHERE | The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve |
| ANPICIPATION | The exponential growing urgency to urinate the closer one gets to the bathroom, ending with raising the hair on the back of one`s neck the instant one reaches the point of no return |
| AQUADEXTROUS | Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes |
| ASSMOSIS | The process by which some people achieve success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard |
| AUTODITION | Assisting randomly passing talent scouts by singing along with the car radio at the top of one`s lungs while pounding out the drumbeat on the dashboard |
| BIFURCATION | An extended holiday tryst between hirsute mammals |
| BLAMESTORMING | Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible |
| CALIBREAKING | Pressing the "ENTER" key over and over and over in a futile attempt to speed up the execution of an annoyingly slow computer program |
| CARPERPETUATION | The act, when vacuuming, of running over a piece of string or lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance |
| COLONOSCOPY | The latest anti-personnel device released by the Pentagon |
| CORPORAL RIGHTSIZING | The male mating ritual phenomenon of denying gravity by walking down the beach while not exhaling for a matter of miles |
| CYBERGYRATION | The art of getting better results while playing a video game by actually leaning one`s body in the direction of the simulated car on the screen |
| DIGITHERMALIZING | Scientifically waving one`s index finger under a running faucet to speed the process of warming the water |
| DISCONFECT | To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow `remove` all the germs |
| DOPELER EFFECT | The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly |
| ELBONICS | The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater or airplane |
| FOREPLOY | Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid |
| FORT L`AUDIBLE | One of a collection of stomping grounds for seasoned males who loudly announce, in the form of extended groans, the fact that they are sitting down |
| FRUST | The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan, backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug |
| GIRAFFITI | Vandalism spray-painted very, very high |
| GLIBIDO | All talk and no action |
| HABITUATION | A klaven of neurotic nuns arguing over the best route back to the convent |
| HINTERRUPTION | Getting the attention of one`s busy co-worker by standing just inside the co-worker`s cubicle and making slight noises that will hopefully seem to be anything but an attempt to get their attention |
| HIPATITIS | Terminal coolness |
| IGNORANUS | A person who is not just stupid, but an ass as well |
| INOCULATTE | To take coffee intravenously when you are running late |
| INTAXICATION | Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was money to start with |
| KARMAGEDDON | It`s, like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes and stuff, right? And then, like, the earth explodes and it`s, like, a serious bummer! |
| LACTOMANGULATION | Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the `illegal` side |
| McJUSTMENT | The subtle art of shifting one`s car back and forth between Drive and Reverse, in millimeter increments, in order to achieve the minimal possible distance between one`s car window and the drive-thru window |
| MELANINOMANIAC | One who spends all day at the beach constantly rotating their beach chair in an effort to expose all body parts to the sun`s tanning rays |
| OHNOSECOND | That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake |
| OPTICALORIZATION | Standing in front of one`s refrigerator, with the door wide open, staring at the shelves in an attempt to discover, or actually create, more food than is physically there |
| OSTEOPORNOSIS | A degenerate disease |
| OXYMORON | A cerebral malfunction exhibited by Hiney Wine consumers who engage in sexual congress with quadrupeds |
| PARBARKING | Yelling at a golf ball in flight in an attempt to adjust its course and trajectory |
| PEPPIER | The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper |
| PHONESIA | The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer |
| PHOSPHORCALIBRATION | The ancient art of using a folded-up matchbook to "shim" an eight-track player so that all four tracks would play uninterrupted |
| PTOMAINLINING | Holding leftovers up to a family member`s face while asking them to "smell this and see if it`s still good." |
| PUPKUS | The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it |
| REDMONDIBALIZATION | The unavoidable a$$imilation $trategy by Micro$oft that result$ in a $igh of defeated acceptance by all user$ of Micro$oft Window$ |
| REINTARNATION | Coming back to life as a hillbilly |
| REPETIRICTUS | A common workplace political tactic, used when meeting someone in the hall that one just spoke to a few minutes before, involving a tight-lipped smile and a non-committal raising of one`s eyebrows |
| RODENTATION | Vigorously sliding a computer mouse back and forth on its pad to achieve the same effect as Calibreaking |
| SARCHASM | The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn`t get it |
| SEAGULL MANAGER | A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves |
| SECURITITTLE | A job security mechanism involving laughing maniacally at any attempt by one`s boss to tell a joke |
| TELECRASTINATION | The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you`re only six inches away |
Hey! Yeah, you! Anything you want to add?
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