Borrowed Stuff...

Quips by Steven Wright

• 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

• 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

• A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

• A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

• A fool and his money are soon partying.

• A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

• All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

• Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

• Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

• Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

• Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

• Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

• Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

• Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

• For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. Then I filled my humidifier with wax, and now my room is all shiny.

• Half the people you know are below average.

• Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

• How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

• I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

• I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

• I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

• I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.

• I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

• I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.

• I think I am a peripheral-visionary. I see into the future – but only on the sides.

• I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

• I was driving with my friend who's a radio DJ. When we drove under a bridge, I couldn't hear him talk.

• I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

• I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen...and replaced by exact duplicates.

• I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose...

• I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

• I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

• I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.

• If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

• If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

• If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

• If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

• If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

• If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

• It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

• It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

• Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

• Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

• My mechanic told me, 'I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.'

• OK, so what's the speed of dark?

• Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

• Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

• Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

• The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work.

• The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

• The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

• The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

• Time was invented so that everything wouldn't happen all at once.

• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

• When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

• When I was a baby, I kept a diary. Recently, I was rereading it. It said,'Day 1 -- Still tired from the move. Day 2 -- Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot.'

• Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

• You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

• You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.